


Cold Blood

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Times, M/M, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 02:49:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The time has come for Jim to make good on a promise but first he needs to find a way to tell Blair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Blood

## Cold Blood

by Mia Athlas

Disclaimer: The characters used here, sadly, do not belong to me. They are the property of Pet Fly and UPN. I have received no monetary reward, I do it simply for fun. 

Contains m/m sex. If you are under 18, do not read this. 

Warnings: past-rape <discussed but not graphically shown>, major angst-mostly Jim-angst, love conquers all, first time story <g>

Notes: Let's see...oh yeah, read the warnings :-) This is not really a story about rape. This is a story about vengeance, letting go and love. 

Thanks to Ozy, Wolfling and Virg for betaing for me. I changed lots from their input so any remaining mistakes are my own :) 

* * *

Cold Blood  
By Mia Athlas 

Jim woke in a cold sweat, the dream rapidly fading away. He panted harshly trying to get himself under control, and checked his roommate's heart rate. Thankfully he hadn't woken his partner. He had to get a grip on the dreams. His lack of sleep was beginning to show. If only he could get past it if only he didn't need to get past it. Jim sighed. Wishing away what had happened was pointless. God knows if there were any way to go back and change things he would give his life to do so. To save another life. Jim rested for a minute, trying to forget his old nightmare yet again. He knew why the dream was back. 

He had waited long enough. It was time. 

Enough time had passed that he could now exact the revenge for which he'd waited so long. Enough time that he hoped no one would remember his association with the victim. No one would know he had the motive to kill. 

Jim shivered at the thought. Could he revert to his old training? Could he after all that had passed, after all that he had struggled through to get past his time in covert ops, after all the self-recrimination and regret, after knowing that his destiny lay in protecting people his tribe-- could he kill in cold blood? 

Yes, he knew he could do it the bigger question was could he survive the aftermath of the decision? Could he handle a return to the life that he had been desperate to escape after Peru, to the cold heartless world of planned death and emotionless killing? Could he return to a life that had almost destroyed him? 

Jim forced himself to look at the choice for what it was: the calculated murder of another human being? His mind screamed against it but his soul cried out to him for vengeance--to complete the oath he swore at Gary's grave. 

Jim rose and quietly descended the stairs--desperate to push back the dark thoughts. He headed for the one place where he felt good where he felt whole again. He paused outside Blair's door and listened to the young man's deep breathing. 

He didn't want to think about what his partner would say if he knew of his plans. Jim knew that Blair loved him and wished that he would make a move. While he desperately wanted to do just that, he wasn't sure wasn't sure if he could ever let another man touch him like that. 

The legacy of the bastards that had raped him. 

The last time he even tried to get close to another man had been a disaster. He had wanted to prove to himself that the rape hadn't changed him. Jim shook his head sadly. The man that he had chosen was another police officer, just before he started dating Caroline. Jeffrey, Jim remembered. Jeffrey who would never harm anyone if he could help it. Too gentle to be a cop really. He had picked the least threatening person he could think of to try his experiment. Unfortunately, the moment that Jeffery had touched him intimately, Jim had lost it. He ended up leaving Jeffrey with a wrenched arm and a split lip before he regained control of his rage. He hadn't been able to explain and his apologies didn't seem to make a difference to the other man. After three unbearable months in the same department at Jeffrey, Jim had given up and requested a transfer. He could no longer stand the shame of having to work with the man, and deal with the hurt in his eyes every time Jim saw him. 

Jim sighed and leaned against the doorframe outside of his partner's room, torn between the need to go in and the need to distance himself from the other man. It was so hard not to try. With Blair everything was different. 

He couldn't afford to wait any longer. After he did what he had to do he had no intention of hiding it from the younger man. He wasn't sure if Blair could handle it but he was certain that the young man wouldn't turn him in. Would his partner's love for him survive? Jim wasn't certain if Blair's sense of morality would allow him to stay with a murderer. Now might be his only chance. Finally decided, he turned the knob and slid into the darkened room. 

Pausing just inside the door, Jim watched the young man sleep. How quiet and peaceful his guide looked. If only he could find the same instead of having to endure yet another sleepless night. They were becoming more and more frequent. He knew why. The path that he had to follow was dark and could very well leave him with nothing. 

Jim sighed and moved into the dark room, gently easing himself down so that he was sitting on the edge of Blair's bed. He watched his partner sleep. His friend looked far younger than his 28 years when he slept. For the hundredth time, Jim wondered how it had happened? How had Blair come to mean so much? He didn't know the answer to his question. In the end all that mattered was that Blair _was_ the best thing in his life. The love he felt had snuck up on him. The young man was so far under his defenses that by the time Jim put a name to the feeling it was too late. Jim was lost. He cared for his partner more deeply than he could voice. 

He reached out a hand and gently pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen across his partner's face. When his finger brushed Blair's cheek the young man's eyes popped open. Blair jumped, obviously startled that someone was in his room. He rolled away, his heart beating hard, in obvious terror. 

"It's okay. It's only me, Chief," Jim said quietly. 

Blair drew tentatively closer, his heart rate settling down. "Jim?" he said, shrugging off the remnants of sleep. "Shit. You almost gave me a heart attack. What are you doing? What time is it?" 

"Just after three," Jim responded, still sitting on the bed. 

"What's wrong?" Blair asked fearfully. 

Jim couldn't blame him. It wasn't every day that you woke up to your best friend sitting on your bed at three in the morning. "Sorry, Chief. Everything's okay. I just couldn't sleep." Jim winced at his own cowardice. 

"So you decided to keep me company while I slept?" Blair reached for the light but Jim caught his hand before he could turn it on. 

"Can we leave it off?" 

"Sure, Jim. What's going on?" The fear had returned to the young man's voice. 

* * *

"It's funny how things seem easier to say in the dark even when you can 'see' in the dark," Jim said in a low voice. 

"Jim, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" 

Jim could easily hear the fear in his friend's voice but was at a loss as to how to start. He took a deep breath and decided on absolute honesty. "Blair, I need to tell you something, and I'm not sure I can do it." 

He felt his partner grip his arm tightly. "Oh my God, Jim oh my God," the young man stammered. 

Jim covered Blair's hand with his own. "Settle down, Chief, I'm fine. I'm not dying or anything. I'm not doing this very Well." He shook his head in frustration. 

It was Blair's turn to take a deep breath, then another. "I'm okay now. Are you trying to kill me here?" 

"Sorry, Chief." 

After a moment Blair spoke again. "No, I'm sorry, Jim. Please go on?" 

"Blair, you know that I'm bisexual?" Jim began haltingly. 

Blair nodded. "I didn't actually know for sure. I suspected. I heard rumors that you had some big affair with another guy in Vice so I asked Rafe about it, don't freak out on me man, but I wanted to know where I stood with you. He told me that the rumors were true. I wanted to talk to you about it directly but anytime I brought up your time in Vice, you never seemed to want to talk about it," the young man finished sadly. 

"If you suspected I was bisexual, did you ever wonder why I've never made a move on you, Chief?" 

Blair blushed but didn't back down from the question. "I figured I wasn't your type. I always waffled between not feminine enough or not butch enough." 

Jim smiled. "No that's not it, Chief. You are exactly my type." 

"Then why?" Blair asked, curiosity and hurt clear in his eyes. 

"Blair, this is so hard for me." Jim rubbed his face with his hand, glad that Blair couldn't see him in the darkness. 

"You can tell me Jim, you can tell me anything." A firm hand grasped his leg. 

* * *

"A few years ago, after Peru, while I was waiting for a spot to open up in the PD, I worked for a while with a security company. In a lot of ways, it was almost like police work. We responded to calls, carried guns and partnered up. My partner was Gary. He was smaller than me and heavily into martial arts--a regular Bruce Lee." Jim smiled at the memory of his wiry partner. 

Blair seemed confused about where the conversation was leading but listened intently, not interrupting as Jim continued. 

"One night we answered a call at a very upper class home. The owners were away on vacation. We had been to two separate false alarms at that address already, so we didn't think too much of it. The Andersons had a fault in their system. Even so, someone had to go out each time it went off and it was our turn." Jim paused. Aside from his official statement he had never told anyone this story before and was surprised at how difficult it was to tell the tale. He firmed his resolve. Blair deserved to know the whole truth. He had to understand just what he was getting himself into in order to choose. 

Closing his eyes, he let the memories take him. 

* * *

(1990) 

"Come on, Gary, there's no way," Jim laughed as he climbed out of their company owned car. 

"I swear, Jim," the dark-haired man said. "I saw it with my own eyes. They were all over each other." 

"It's too frightening to even think about." Jim shivered at the thought of their 300 pound boss with the hairy back, getting it on with their 120 pound and extremely pretty receptionist. 

"Hey, how do you think I feel? I'm the one that had to see it." Gary shuddered for effect. "Imagine having that image in your brain for the rest of your life." 

Jim laughed again. "No thanks. Duty calls, partner. I'll take the back." 

Gary gave the thumbs up and Jim turned his cap around backwards and took off in a crouch for the back door of the house. Even though this was about the 30th time someone had been out to the Andersons home, they still had to treat each one as if it were a real break-in. Finding the back secure he disabled the lock and entered the house quietly. Once again, everything seemed untouched. Jim holstered his weapon as he came face to face with his partner. "All clear?" he asked. 

"All clear," Gary responded. "I'll call it in." Jim went to the control panel and punched in the access code, turning off the alarm as he heard his partner give the all clear to their office and let them know that they were heading on home. 

"Ready to go, hotshot?" Jim asked, slapping his lover on the shoulder. 

"Sure, Jim. Your place or mine?" Gary flipped back his long hair and struck a come-hither pose. 

Jim broke up laughing. "Oh god, stop it, Gary. Give me a break, your place, it's closer." Jim leered. They both froze as they heard the creak of a floorboard nearby. 

"Don't move, Granger, you either, Ellison!" A voice ordered. Jim turned slowly to find four men standing inside the house, two of which had guns pointed at them. He swore at himself silently for letting them sneak up on him like a damn rookie. 

* * *

"What do you want, Frank? Why can't you just leave me alone?" Gary said tiredly. 

"I don't think so, Gary. I told you that you would regret the day that you raped my wife." The large blonde-haired man ground out. 

Jim surveyed the men before him. The central figure was easily as tall as he was and broader. The three men with him were dirty and rough looking. Bikers? It was obvious who the ringleader was and Jim knew the story already. While Gary argued with the man he looked for a way to get out of the situation they had landed themselves in. The men had fanned out a bit and were watching them intently, Jim glared at one of them as he winked and licked his lips. 

"Shit, Frank! You know what happened! Hell, Joanne even told you that we never had sex. It was one kiss, that's all. For fuck's sake, it was one kiss a year ago. Have you lost your mind?" Gary sputtered angrily. Frank's expression darkened even more. 

"It appears I have. You're going to be sorry you ever messed with my family. Joanne left me, did you know that? And you're going to pay." 

Jim considered going for his gun, wondering if the man was distracted enough. If it were only Frank he might have chanced it but the swarthy man in front of him was holding his gun steady, his gaze never wavering from Jim. "I like the muscular ones, you know," the short stocky man with the gun sneered. 

Jim looked back at Gary in alarm. What the hell did that mean? 

Frank it seemed was tiring of their conversation. "Joe, get their guns and cuffs. Carefully. If either of you move I'll put a bullet in your brain." 

They believed him. Jim held still as the smallest of the men came forward and retrieved theirs guns and cuffs. There were just too many of them and no way to get out of the line of fire. Not for the first time in his life, Jim feared that they wouldn't make it. Frank took a step toward Gary and Jim automatically moved partially in front of him. The gun rose to point at his forehead. 

"Back," Frank ordered. 

"Jim, do as he says," Gary begged. Jim relented and stepped back. 

"I don't trust the big one, Joe. Cuff him." 

Jim stood still as his hands were pulled roughly behind his back and he felt the cool metal of the handcuffs lock into place. He clenched his jaw tightly and forced himself not to react in any way. Frank stepped toward Gary. 

"This one I'll cuff myself." Putting his gun in his pants he stepped towards the smaller man. Jim knew an instant before Gary moved that his partner was going to go for it. He tensed just as Gary's foot lashed out catching Frank in the face. The bigger man went down hard, with Gary following him, scrabbling for his gun. Jim plowed into the man closest to him knocking him to the ground. The man grunted in pain underneath him and went still. Jim tried to push back to his feet but froze as a cold barrel pressed against his ear. 

"Hold it!" The man screamed beside him. The same man that had been leering at him since they arrived. Gary looked up, gun in his hands. "Drop it, or he dies right now," the man ordered. 

"Don't do it, Gary," Jim said, earning him a hard kick in the side. 

"Drop it now!" 

Gary hesitated a moment longer then let the gun fall to the floor. Frank jumped up, shaking his head to clear it, then picked up his gun once more and smashed Gary on the side of the face with it. Gary went down and lay still. 

"Good job, Henry," Frank said, moving over to where Jim still knelt on the floor. The man Jim had knocked out started to come around. Jim grimaced. This definitely didn't look good was his last thought before the lights went out. 

* * *

Jim woke slowly. The world seemed to fade back in a piece at a time. The first thing to return was feeling. His head hurt and his wrists were sore. Then his hearing came back and he tried to concentrate on what was being said in the room. 

"I've decided that the best way to pay you back is to treat you like the whore you are, Gary,." a male voice spat out. Jim stayed still trying to get a handle on the situation before revealing that he was awake. 

"Fuck you, Frank. You are so full of shit. Just admit it-- you're a son of a bitch who gets off on hurting people. My friendship with your wife has nothing to do with this. I expect the fact that I beat you in our karate match is more the cause here." 

"Shut up! You only beat me because you cheated you little piss-ant. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was? Does it really even matter why I'm doing this anymore? I can tell you one thing, I'm going to enjoy putting you in your place." 

Jim's head pounded, but seemed to clear. Obviously, they had knocked him out. He moved his hands and wasn't surprised to find them still cuffed. He opened his eyes a bit and found that he was lying on the floor, face down. Even worse, he had a noose around his neck that was secured to a hook that was embedded in the floor. Tethered like an animal. 

Gary continued to try to talk to the other man. "If you want to punish me, okay, but leave Jim alone. You don't have any beef with him." 

Frank laughed. "Sorry, bud, a case of wrong place, wrong time, wrong friend for Mr. Ellison. Anyway, I know how tight the two of you have become. I have a feeling that seeing Jim here in pain will make you suffer and that is what this is about." 

Jim couldn't see the benefit in continuing to play possum so he opened his eyes, turned his head and glared at Frank. Gary was bent over a table, face down. It looked as if they had folded him over the table and tied his hands to the legs on one side and his feet to the legs on the other. 

This was really bad. Jim couldn't see any way out for them. Their only hope was that the office would wonder why they hadn't brought back the car and come looking for them. He had to stall as long as possible. 

Frank saw that he was awake and came over to kneel in front of him. "Have you noticed the noose around you neck yet? Just so you know, we've left you a two inch leeway, move any more than that and the noose tightens and you strangle. Got that, tough guy?" 

Jim stared at the other man without answering. Nothing he could say would change what he was just realising was going to happen. Talking to the other man, showing his fear, would only increase Frank's pleasure in their humiliation. His lack of response seemed to anger Frank. He reached out and gripped Jim's chin forcefully enough that he knew it would bruise. 

"I'll have you talking soon enough. I'll have you begging for mercy," he spat out, then leaned forward and licked Jim's cheek. Jim felt revulsion as the wet tongue touched him. He mentally began to try to prepare himself for the ordeal to come. He had been trained to deal with pain...and rape. 

When Jim still didn't respond Frank gestured to the other men. "Joe, Allen, his clothes," he ordered. 

Jim felt a sharp sting at his collar and realised they were cutting his clothing off with some sort of knife. He could turn his head only enough to see that it was Joe doing the honors and a brief look at his face told Jim all he needed to know. The man was turned on by the act. Turning his face back around Jim couldn't control a shiver as his naked flesh was revealed and the last of his clothing was cut and pulled roughly from his body. 

"Frank, don't do this," Gary begged. "Please, leave him alone." 

Frank laughed. "Take him boys. Show him a good time." 

Jim steeled himself as the three men closed in on him. 

* * *

<Present>

Jim couldn't force himself any farther into the memory. He gasped and staggered up and away from the bed. Blair scrambled out from under the covers and was right by his side in an instant. 

"Jim, breathe man. It's okay. You don't need to tell me. It's okay," Blair soothed, running a gentling hand down Jim's back as the older man leaned his shoulder against the doorjamb. 

"Shit," Jim swore turning so that his back was against the frame and he could face his partner. "You'd think after all this time it would be easier." 

"Jim, I think I know what happened. You were raped?" Blair asked softly. 

Jim nodded and moved back over to sit on the bed once more, rubbing his hands across his face as he waited for Blair to sit beside him. "Not just that, Blair. Gary died from that attack, from the rape. That bastard killed him. He bled to death before we could get help." Jim spoke in short clipped statements, his hands clenched on his lap. He felt Blair's hands cover his own and continued haltingly. "I cared for him Blair and I saw what they did to him. I saw it all. It took years for me to be able to close my eyes and not relive that night what I lost that night. Hell, sometimes I still can't." 

"I'm sorry, Jim. So sorry." 

Jim felt his control slipping at the sorrow in Blair's voice then remembered what he had to do and clamped down on the unwelcome feeling. "Now you know. That's why I haven't made a move on you, Blair. I love you but I don't know if I can make love with you. More than that though, I know that if anything ever happened to you I know I couldn't handle it. What I feel for you is so much...more than what I had with Gary. When I think back to how close I came to dying myself after Gary was killed, I know that I couldn't survive you Blair. Especially if we were to get even closer. I'm sorry." 

Blair spoke gently, stroking the back of his hand. "If I were to die tomorrow do you think that my death would be easier to live with if we didn't take the final step...if we didn't commit to each other?" 

"God, Blair. Don't even say that," Jim said fiercely. "No. I love you, I can't imagine my life without you. But I still don't know if I _can_ make love with you." 

"Jim, I love you too, man. I don't care if you can never make love to me like that. I'm here for the long run...however you'll have me." 

Jim turned and looked at the earnest face of his partner, then reached over and put his hand on Blair's face, cradling his cheek. "Maybe enough time has passed? Maybe with you I can finally put it behind me?" Jim paused realising the pressure he'd just put on the younger man. "I'm sorry, Blair, that's not fair. This isn't your problem. You shouldn't have to help me get over this." Blair grabbed his hand and kissed the palm, then leaned over and gently kissed Jim's lips. After a brief, sweet moment he pulled back. 

"God, Jim. I'd kill for the just the opportunity to help you try." 

Jim tensed at the words and Blair pulled back. 

"I'm sorry, Jim. Did I say something wrong?" 

Taking a breath, Jim decided to get it all out in the open. "Blair, there's something I have to do before I can move on. I know you won't approve, I just hope you won't hate me for it." Jim felt his stomach clench as he said the words. How could Blair not hate him? How could he not hate himself for turning his back on everything he stood for...believed in? 

"What is it, Jim? Tell me. I could never hate you for anything." 

The conviction in Blair's voice broke Jim's resolve to tell him. How could he destroy Blair's image of him? Maybe he could do this and keep it locked inside himself. He had lived a life filled with subterfuge, he was well practiced at keeping secrets. This would be his darkest sin...his deepest secret. Maybe it would work. 

"I need a week, Blair," he finally said. "Let me have a week to work this out, then we'll talk. Can you give that to me?" 

Blair was silent for a long time, just staring into Jim's face. The sentinel worried that the younger man could read there what he intended to do. Finally, Blair broke the tension. "Okay. But when the week is up, we sit down and hash this out. Nothing held back?" 

Jim nodded, uncertain whether he could actually keep his promise. He moved to stand but stopped as Blair grabbed his arm. He looked over at his partner, questioningly. 

"Could you stay here? You know just lay beside me for the night? I mean if you're okay with that?" Blair stammered. 

Jim grinned, then the grin faded and he simply gathered his partner close and settled down onto the small bed and closed his eyes willing the memories away, trying to concentrate on the feeling of the man in his arms, hoping the love he felt for Blair could compete with the hate he harbored for Gary's killer. He felt Blair relax into sleep against him and lay awake staring at the far wall for a long time trying to let go of his anger. Finally, he gave in and quietly extricated himself from Blair's embrace and left the young man's room to plot his coming job as his guide slept. 

* * *

Jim watched as his prey staggered out of the bar. So predictable. The man came to the same bar almost every night without fail to drink and complain about his life to anyone who'd listen. The sentinel stood and moved silently toward the other man, keeping close to the building, protected by the shadows, his dark clothes and the streaks across his face. He followed as the man moved down the deserted street whistling tunelessly. Checking the area carefully with his enhanced hearing, Jim found the conditions perfect and realised the time to move was now. 

The man never knew what hit him as Jim grabbed him and shoved him into a side alley. He staggered and fell to his knees. Before he could cry out Jim was there covering his mouth and dragging him further into the alley, using a chokehold to subdue the man. 

"Quiet," he whispered. "If you yell, I'll slit your worthless throat." He pressed the knife firmly against the man's throat and felt him freeze. 

"I'm going to let you go. You will keep your back against this wall, your hands in plain sight and your mouth shut," Jim growled. He eased his gun out of its hiding place in the holster at the back of his jeans as he carefully backed away, ready to spring forward if the man needed more convincing. Frank stayed quiet. 

"Well, Frank, I'll bet you never thought that you'd ever have to pay for your crimes, did you?" Jim said calmly and evenly. He watched the fear flood his attacker's eyes as the man noticed the silencer on Jim's gun. 

"Who are you? What do you want?" The tall blonde-haired man shook noticeably. 

* * *

Jim watched him coolly, unmoved by the man's fear, the rape flashing through his mind. Gary's screams, his own intense pain. Time to even the score. An eye for an eye. A life for a life. "You really don't remember me, do you?" 

All at once recognition flared in the man's face. "You'll never get away with this, Ellison." Frank glanced to the right and left, obviously looking for a way out of the cold dark alley. 

Jim smiled and was repulsed by the satisfaction he got from the panic in Frank's face at his gesture. "You'd be surprised how many murders go unsolved in this city every year. Especially when the victim is a no-account loser, with no family or friends. See this gun?" Jim wiggled the gun, and Frank flinched. "This gun does not exist. There's no way to trace it back to me. Even if anyone were to make the connection between you and me, there would be no proof. Guess what I do now, Frank? Can't guess? I'm a cop. Yes, that's right. Hell, I'll probably even be assigned your murder...either me or one of my friends." 

"I didn't kill anyone...you can't do this!" Frank snarled. 

Jim's face turned into a mask of anger. "You killed Gary. Just as if you took a gun and pulled the trigger yourself. Now, you will pay for your crime. I sentence you to death." Jim raised the gun and his finger tightened on the trigger. 

* * *

"Jim!! NO!!" Jim swung around, then swung back to Frank, before the other man could move. Blair moved to his side, his eyes wide with fear. Jim cursed his lapse. He had become so accustomed to the young man's heart beat that it hadn't registered on him when he drew near. He checked and found no one else nearby. 

"Don't do it, Jim. He's not worth it, man," Blair pleaded, not touching the sentinel. 

"Blair, go home. I have to do this. How many other lives has he destroyed? How many others has he hurt? I swore an oath on Gary's grave that I would do this...I have to." 

"Jim, just listen to me a moment. Listen to me and then you can decide. Whatever you decide to do, I'm with you." 

Jim risked a quick glance down at the scared face of his partner and he believed. He believed that Blair would stand by him, whatever his decision. Why? Because he was a guide to his sentinel? Because he was in love with Jim, the man? In the end reasons didn't really matter. The question was could he do this knowing that he would make Blair an accessory to murder? He nodded to Blair, giving the young man permission to have his say and giving himself time to think. 

"Stop and think for a minute, that's all I ask. Think about what's going to happen if you pull that trigger," Blair pleaded. 

"I know what's going to happen. The world will be rid of a pathetic excuse for a human being, I'll be free of him in my nightmares and my pledge to Gary will be fulfilled." 

"No, Jim. I know you. I think I understand you better than you understand yourself. Here's what _is_ going to happen. You kill him and maybe you've miscalculated and you go to prison. Even if that never happens you lose part of yourself. The guilt begins eating away at you for taking another life in cold blood. Soon you have a hard time meeting Simon's eyes, you begin to see yourself as not fit to be a cop. You begin to see things in my eyes that aren't there...judgement, distaste, hate. How long before you leave me? The department? Think, Jim. You know I'm telling you the truth. Don't let this scum take away your life. Hasn't he taken enough already? Do you really want to give him more?" Blair's hand was like a vise on Jim's arm. "The choice is yours, man--make the right one." 

Jim mulled over Blair's words. He felt the truth of them. When he had shot the security guard by mistake the guilt had overwhelmed him, so much so that he had willingly pushed away his senses. 

He'd be a fool not to admit that the prospect of living with what he was about to do terrified him. Blair's words cut him deeply. If he were left without his job...without Blair...would he survive? Would he want to? 

He focused on the man he had hated for so long. Frank was still listing back and forth from too much booze. Same as every night that Jim had followed him. The man reeked of cheap whiskey, sweat and urine, the last obviously due to the darkening patch spreading on his groin. 

"Look at him, Jim," Blair implored. "I've checked up on him. He's a 45 year old alcoholic with a barely functioning liver. He lives in a shelter most of the time. He is always so drunk he usually can't string 2 words together at once. He's no threat to anyone but himself now. He's already in a living hell, killing him would only help him." 

Jim wished he could have worked up enough humor to smile at Blair's obvious attempt to try a different tack to convince him... not knowing how effective his first line of attack had been. 

Carefully, Jim released the trigger of the gun and knelt down bowing his head, resting it against the cool surface of his 45. He felt Blair's hand on his shoulder. 

"Get the hell out of here you sick son of a bitch! I wish I could kill you myself," Blair spat out his hate and anger, making his voice ugly. 

Jim kept his head bowed, not looking at his tormentor as he heard the man shuffling away. Letting him go felt wrong...he felt as if he had betrayed Gary. He was weak. 

Blair knelt beside him and put his hand on his cheek. "Come on, partner. It's time to go home. Let's go home," the young man whispered. 

Jim allowed himself to be pulled up and tugged along toward his truck. He felt disconnected, as if he were sleepwalking. He caught the worried look his partner was throwing him but couldn't get the energy to respond. Jim found himself in the passenger's seat of the Ford, with Blair driving toward the loft. 

* * *

Numbly, he watched the scenery pass by through the truck's window. Halfway to the loft a sign caught his eye. "Stop!" Jim said too loudly. Blair slammed on the brakes and Jim was out of the truck, stumbling toward the trees that started the Cascade Graveyard. 

"Jim!" he heard Blair call out behind him. 

He didn't stop, he couldn't. He moved between the stones searching... It had been so long, the yard had changed so much that he couldn't find it at first...then there it was. The gravestone that was the only thing that was left to prove Gary had ever existed. 

Jim felt an unaccustomed wetness on his cheek as he stood staring down at the barren stone. He had failed. Betrayed his word. 

He felt Blair come to a skidding halt beside him. 

"Jim, what the hell..." the younger man started, breathing harshly. He stopped as he took in the stone in front of them. "Oh." 

They stood silent for a long time before Jim finally spoke in a harsh broken whisper. "Six years ago I stood in this very spot. I stood here and swore an oath that I would see that man pay for what he did... that I would see him dead. Gary and I were lovers... he was the first man I ever..." Jim broke off. "When he died I lost it. After I recovered from my injuries, I self-destructed. The only thing that brought me out of my attempt to kill myself without killing myself outright was that son of a bitch getting off on a technicality. Some fucked up cop forgot to mirandize him and he was free. I knew it was up to me to even the score. I pulled myself together and came here. The need to make him pay was the only thing that kept me going that year. I was different then, Blair. It was like Gary's death was the last straw in a long line of trauma. I couldn't revenge my men in Peru but I could revenge Gary. I've waited so long and when the opportunity comes-- I bail. What kind of man does that make me, Blair? A fucking coward," Jim finished angrily. 

"Don't you dare say that, Jim!" Blair stepped in front of him and grasped his arms almost painfully. "Deciding not to become a murderer does not make you a coward. It took more guts to walk away than it would have to pull the trigger. Would Gary want you to give up your life too? If he were the type of person you could love, I don't think so." 

The truth of the simple statement hit Jim hard. Suddenly he couldn't ignore it anymore. Jim knew deep down that Gary wouldn't have approved of his plan, but somehow over the years it had become distorted. He wondered now how he ever had convinced himself he was doing this for Gary? 

Jim stumbled slightly as a wave of dizziness came over him. He might have fallen had Blair not been holding on to him so tightly. 

"Jim!" Blair cried out in alarm. "Are you okay?" 

Regaining his equilibrium, Jim nodded. "Yeah, Chief. It's all just too much at once." 

Blair let go of Jim's arms and put a hand on his back. "You haven't been sleeping or eating right, even though you've been trying to hide it. It's no wonder you feeling a bit shaky." 

Jim smiled softly at his partner. He loved him even more for trying to give him a way to save face. "Thanks, Chief." 

Blair shrugged. "Hey, no lie, man. You need to get home, have something to eat and sleep for at least 10 hours." He paused, then gestured back to the grave hesitantly. "Are you going to be alright? You know." 

With one last look at his friend's resting place, Jim grabbed his partner's hand and pulled him away from the grave. "Come on, Chief. One day at a time." 

* * *

Jim walked with the man he loved in silence. He needed to look to the future now. He had a job he loved, a good home, a place he belonged, a purpose in his life and most important of all he had Blair. Blair, who loved him enough to stop him, who loved him enough to stay with him. How could he not be alright? 

The thought sustained him during the drive back to the loft. It wasn't until they pulled into their parking stall that the tremors began. Jim gritted his teeth and willed the shaking that had started in his hands to stop. Blair glanced over at him and took one of the shaking hands into his own. He knew his partner could feel the tremors and wasn't surprised when Blair held on tighter, stopping the shake temporarily. Jim, met Blair's eyes tentatively, afraid to see the pity he knew had to be there. He felt relief and gratitude when he saw all the young man's face showed was love and sympathy. 

"Easy Jim. Let's just go upstairs and we can talk...or not talk. Whatever you want. Just come with me now." 

Jim squeezed his partner's hand then with the last of his strength, made his way into the loft. 

"Do you want to talk about it Jim?" Blair asked after settling the sentinel on the sofa. 

"What's left to say, Chief?" Jim asked tiredly. 

Blair sat on the coffee table so that he could face his partner. "How about 'you did the right thing?'" 

"Did I?" Jim asked. "I'm not so sure. I don't feel like I did the right thing. I still feel like I let Gary down, like I let myself down." 

"Why? You're here, we have a future. You chose to live instead of to exist. How can that be letting yourself or Gary down?" 

Jim clasped Blair's hands, trying to capture his partner's strength of conviction, oblivious to his partner's wince of pain. "I don't know how to live with this, Blair. My old ways don't seem to work. I can't get it out of my mind." 

Wincing, Blair tried to tug his hands away. "Jim, ease up, man." 

"God, Blair...I'm sorry," Jim said, releasing the hands he had unknowingly been holding in a crushing grip. He was appalled that in the depth of what felt like the worst pain he had ever suffered, he had hurt his guide. Nothing could excuse that. 

Blair shook out his hands and moved to sit beside his stricken friend. "Jim, it's okay. I'm fine," he consoled, rubbing a hand across the sentinel's back. 

Jim put his hands over his face, leaning forward. "No, it's not okay. Damn." He felt the shaking start again and clenched his jaw, attempting to stop whatever was coming. 

"Let it out, Jim. I'll help you. We'll be okay. Trust me," Blair whispered, crawling up on the couch and wrapping his arms around his shaking partner. 

Finally, Jim felt something release inside him, like a rubber band snapping. The anger that had sustained him for so long broke and with it his defenses crumpled. Held in his guide's arm, he wept. He wept for Gary...for the years of anger...for lost possibilities and finally for himself. 

Through it all Blair's arms never left him. Through his sorrow he felt the love and support that surrounded him and for the first time since the night he and Gary were brutalized he felt he could do more than survive...He felt he could move on...find happiness even. With Blair beside him, anything was possible. 

Eventually Jim felt the world come back into focus and was surprised to find his face pressed against Blair's soggy shirt. Seeming to sense he was ready to move, his partner leaned back and stroked Jim's flushed cheek with his hand. 

"You ready for sleep, man?" Blair asked softly. 

Jim nodded and struggled to his feet. "I feel like I haven't slept in a year," he said unevenly. His voice sounded odd to his own ears--hoarse from his emotional outpouring. 

"I'll join you upstairs," Blair stated, no question as to whether he was welcome in his voice. 

Jim nodded again. He couldn't seem to find the energy for more. Slowly, he made his way up to his bed. His exhaustion sapped his strength and without bothering to undress he tumbled into the bed. He lay there somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, unable to cross the final line into much needed rest. He heard Blair enter the room and lay passively as gentle hands eased off his clothing. The cool air felt good against his naked skin and he relaxed further. A warm wet cloth passed over his face, cleaning away the dirt and tears, then a warm body pressed up against his side, arms coming around him. Finally, held in the arms of his guide, the sentinel was able to let go...able to sleep. 

* * *

When Jim woke again, he was on his stomach with a warm heavy weight on his back. He turned his head and smiled--it seemed his partner was using him for a pillow, not that he minded. The weight felt comforting and not just a little arousing. 

He carefully turned, trying not to wake the young man, then settled his partner onto his back on the bed, amazed by the overwhelming sense of love that his friend instilled in him. He watched his guide sleep and felt a sense of peace that was long missing. Jim took stock of himself. He was surprised to discover he felt good, aside from a bit of a fuzzy feeling that was left over from sleep. He felt lighter than he remembered feeling in such a long time. 

Carefully pulling away from Blair, Jim climbed to his feet. The room was dark. Glancing at the clock, he confirmed his suspicion. He had slept almost 24 hours--no wonder his bladder felt like it was about to explode. He looked down at his friend. The young man's hair was still damp. Obviously Blair had been up and back to bed again without once waking him. He must have really been out of it not to wake when his partner left the bed. Ignoring the fact that he was naked--Blair obviously hadn't wanted to struggle to help him into his boxers, he silently padded off to the bathroom. Once that was taken care of he glanced across the silent loft to the kitchen. His stomach growled, making its case heard loud and clear. Jim shook his head and headed back up the stairs--he needed to be close to his guide more than a meal right now. 

At the top he paused, staring at his sleeping partner. Standing there, watching Blair, he felt a pang of the sadness and regret that had always accompanied his late night visits to the young man's room. 

Determinedly, he shook off the feeling. 

No more. 

Swiftly he crossed the room. 

No more watching and wanting. 

He didn't have to keep his distance any longer. 

Jim sat on the edge of the bed beside Blair and leaned over to kiss his partner gently. The soft lips opened immediately and Jim deepened the kiss, caressing the inside of Blair's mouth with his tongue. He felt the moment that Blair came fully awake. A hand grasped the back of his head and Jim found himself firmly held and his mouth taken in a thorough kiss. 

Finally, Jim pulled away. Brushing a finger over his swollen lips, he looked down at his Blair, who grinned up at him and stretched his arms over his head, wantonly showing off his body to its best advantage. 

"Now _that_ is how you should wake someone, " Blair purred. 

Jim smiled down at him as the first ray of sunrise illuminated the room making the moment a bit surreal. "You think so, do you?" 

"Oh yeah, man. I want you to wake me like that from now on." 

Leaning forward, Jim kissed Blair just above his left nipple. He felt a shiver go through his partner's body. Without straightening, Jim tilted his head up to look into his partner's eyes. "Can I Blair?" he asked. 

Blair didn't even ask what Jim meant. "Are you sure, Jim? We don't have to do anything right away you know. I'll wait for you as long as it takes." 

Jim smiled tenderly at his best friend and reached down to clasp Blair's hand between his own. He brought it up and slowly placed his lips against the palm. His partner watched with wide eyes and increasingly deep breathing as Jim softly nipped and kissed his way from Blair's hand to his shoulder. When he reached Blair's face, Jim looked deep into his partner's clear blue eyes. He tried to make Blair feel his emotion, his want...his need. His face must have shown the young man what he needed to see because he closed the distance between them and captured Jim's lips once again. 

Jim gave himself over to the kiss, allowing Blair to control it and marveling at how easy and natural it felt to simply let go and enjoy the feelings flooding through him. Blair's hands roaming across his back, Blair's mouth travelling down his neck and finally coming to a stop to suckle a nipple. Jim arched into the delicious sensation and moaned deep in his throat. Blair flopped back on the bed. 

"Come here," he urged. 

Eagerly, Jim leaned closer and was surprised to suddenly find himself aptly flipped onto his back with his naked partner straddling his waist. 

"Is this okay, Jim?" 

Jim nodded, unable to speak. He couldn't truly believe that they were about to make love. Smiling, Blair stroked his chest with one hand as the other snaked behind him. 

"Oh god, Blair, " Jim moaned, closing his eyes, panting with the incredible sensation of his partner slowly stroking his aching cock. 

"I love you, Jim," Blair whispered. "If I do anything to make you uncomfortable, tell me and I'll stop." 

At that moment, Jim couldn't imagine Blair ever doing anything that didn't make him so hot he could come without being touched, but he nodded anyway, afraid his partner would stop if he didn't respond. 

Blair moved back, settling himself between Jim's spread legs. The first breath on his cock made Jim moan and the first touch of his partner's lips made him struggle for control. Blair's lips slid over Jim's cock, suckling the head briefly before swallowing him to the root. Jim cried out as his partner moved his lips up and down the shaft, his hands constantly stroking Jim's thighs, balls and stomach, but never venturing to the crevice between the hard buttocks. 

* * *

"Blair," Jim moaned, his head twisting on the pillow in ecstasy. "Touch me...please...touch me." 

Again Blair did not ask for clarification. He seemed to know instinctually what Jim was begging for him to do. One finger traveled down to the valley between Jim's buttocks and dipped inside, circling the small pucker between them. Jim moaned deeply but didn't tense. This was the man he loved more than his own life. The man he trusted more than he trusted himself. Jim could not get enough of the wonderfully feeling of Blair's lips on his cock. He was so lost in the sensation that when a slick finger pressed into him he was almost surprised. The sensation of the finger twisting inside him was more that he could take and he came with a roar, spilling himself down Blair's throat. 

Jim floated on a sensual wave, reaching to pull Blair close and holding onto the younger man tightly as he shivered from his intense orgasm. He felt his partner thrust against him and realised that he had been remiss in returning what Blair had given him. Opening his eyes, he found Blair staring at him with a sense of wonder. 

"You're so beautiful, Jim. When you came you were...I can't describe it...I love you," Blair moaned and Jim felt warmth flood over his groin. 

Jim kissed Blair's neck, his hands threading through the younger man's hair, amazed that his partner had come with so little stimulation. "I love you too, Chief. More than I can say." 

He continued to hold his partner as the younger man dozed on top of him. Jim felt strong and happier than he could remember lying there with his love, the smell of sex and desire surrounding them. He could hardly believe the difference that a day's time could make in his life. Yesterday he was ready to give up everything to avenge a murder. Today he held the most important thing in his life in his arms and thanked God that he had come to his senses before he had managed to destroy everything. He knew that if it hadn't been for Blair finding him and loving him, the outcome would have been far different. In the end, one person could change a life...could make life beautiful. 

"Thank you, Blair," Jim whispered in the ear of his sleeping mate. 

The End 

That's all folks. I'd love to know what you thought. <g> ?? 

* * *

End Cold Blood. 

 


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